Stay Positive!

While I do believe that a positive attitude will get you everywhere, some days it takes more than a positive attitude to get you through a day of parenting!

Positive reinforcement is the rewarding of behaviours that you want to see more of rather than punishing behaviours that you want to see less of. It can take some time to wrap your mind around the concept and learning to look for your child’s good behaviours rather than their blatant bad ones but once you give it a chance, I’m sure you’ll notice the difference in both you and your child (ren).

As parents we are often quick to criticize “your room is messy, turn down the TV, why isn’t your homework done, pick up your toys, and eat your veggies “when we should be noticing when they do what we want (even if it’s only partially what we want) “I like how your room looks you can have a sticker for your chart, thanks for keeping quiet while I was on the phone do you want to play a game now?, that’s great that your homework is done, let’s go out! Good job picking up your toys, you can play with the finger paints now, wow you ate some broccoli, you can have some ice cream for dessert.”

The difference will be that your child feels successful and supported by his/her parents rather than picked on.

If you are struggling with a difficult behaviour then determine what the opposite or desirable behaviour is that you want to reward. For example if your child is kicking other children at the park, then the desired behaviour is keeping his/her feet to herself, so you’re going to say “I love how you kept your feet to yourself when you were at the playground”. You also want to set your child up for success. This means, taking them to the park for a short amount of time or when there aren’t many children there so that you can reward them before they mess up.

I’m sometimes asked by parents what to do when their child is misbehaving and the short answer is to ignore it, however if it is a behaviour that is harming to themselves, property or others, then it must be addressed. Time outs, grounding and an old fashioned talking to still works just fine for misbehaving, but the focus should be on rewarding the child when they’re being good.

Positive reinforcement isn’t limited to young children it works with teens and even spouses! The key with older ‘children’ is to sound sincere. With my teens I like to let them know how their good behaviour is helpful to me. When my older daughter recently gave something of hers to her little sister without hesitation I let her know how good it made me feel to see them get along. When my son carries groceries in for me, I thank him for saving my back (and let him know that I bought his favourite chips).

Hopefully I have convinced you that rewarding positive behaviour is worth the effort because you will notice my use of it in articles to come where I will give more detailed examples of its use. Think positive!

REINFORCEMENT, the Best Parenting Tool Ever!

Before we can teach a child new skills or change their behaviours, we need to know what motivates them. How many of us would get up and go to work every day if we weren’t motivated by the paycheck? While you and I may be motivated by things like money and social recognition, children and youth are not much different, most love social praise, toys and fun activities. My own children are motivated by very different things, while my son would be happy with a trip to McDonald’s, my eldest daughter would be happy with mascara and my youngest with a trip to the library or dollar store to buy craft stuff. Make a list of things that your child loves.

Once we have a list of these ‘reinforcing’ items we can use them to shape behaviour. While giving a new toy to a toddler who used the potty for the first time may be appropriate, generally we don’t want to be handing out new toys every day and this is when a ‘reward’ chart comes in handy. If you don’t know what I mean by reward chart, then just Google it and you’ll find some that you can print out and use. Basically when your child is doing something you want, you give them a sticker or check mark (stay tuned for my blog on how to use reinforcement called Stay Positive). For younger or developmentally delayed children you want to give them enough that they will earn something within a short period of time like a morning or a day. For older children you can spread it out over a week (if the child can deal with delayed gratification).

In case you are struggling with ideas of what motivates your child, especially inexpensive ones, here is a list:

-          Public library

-          video game time

-          family game night

-          movie night

-          trip to the mall or dollar store

-          bike ride

-          baking or cooking time/ favourite meal

-          play dough, moon sand, water play or rice bin

-          finger painting

-          playground, splash pad, picnic lunch

-          Part of a collection (train set, stickers, etc.)

-          Visit to grandparents

-          play date with a friend

Some things to keep in mind:

Have a number of reinforcing items or things to offer so that your child doesn’t get tired of the same reward. Limit the availability and visibility of the reinforcing item by keeping them hidden and under your control. This means that if your child is working on getting stickers on their reward chart so they can play with play dough, then you don’t want them going to Grandma’s and playing play dough all day long or its going to diminish its reinforcing value. Make sure to reinforce your child directly after they have done what you want. This means giving them a check mark, sticker or reward as soon as they use their manners (if that’s what you are working on). I once had a parent who kept a bin of moon sand that her son loved up high in a kitchen cupboard and whenever he remembered to clean up his toys without being asked, she immediately got it out for him to play with and he soon learned to be a tidy boy.

And last but not least, give your child lots of praise at the same time that you reward them so that eventually they learn to be motivated by social means and the tangible rewards can be diminished or taken away.

Welcome!

Welcome to my parenting blog! Through the writing of this blog, I hope to share some behavioural techniques and creative ideas that have helped me in my own parenting and with the parenting of children in my life through work, friends and family.

Parenting, like life, is a journey with its ups and downs but I believe that once a parent understands how to utilize a few behaviour management techniques, it can be easy and even enjoyable. Every parent has their own style, personality and foibles that make them interesting, fun and unique. I'm not here to change that, but instead to encourage you to use your strengths to your advantage and to give you some creative ideas that may help to solve issues that you may have run into.

Everyone must wade through advice they get from friends, relatives, books, etc. until they find something that they are comfortable with and I am no different. As a young parent when I wanted to get my daughter to sleep in her own crib after sharing a bed with my husband and I, I decided to try the controversial Ferber method of letting her cry it out but it didn't work, it only stressed us all out. I ended up transitioning her slowly into a toddler bed by spending a week sleeping in her room and replacing myself with a stuffed animal. Why I even bothered setting up a crib for that child is beyond me but I guess we do what everyone else does without even questioning why sometimes. (I have learned to ask myself 'why' much more often)

My main focus as a parent and counselor is for children to grow up to feel confident in who they are (self esteem), be able to bounce back from adversity (resiliency) and be able to maintain meaningful relationships with other people (love).

Happy Reading!