Before we can teach a child new skills or change their behaviours, we need to know what motivates them. How many of us would get up and go to work every day if we weren’t motivated by the paycheck? While you and I may be motivated by things like money and social recognition, children and youth are not much different, most love social praise, toys and fun activities. My own children are motivated by very different things, while my son would be happy with a trip to McDonald’s, my eldest daughter would be happy with mascara and my youngest with a trip to the library or dollar store to buy craft stuff. Make a list of things that your child loves.
Once we have a list of these ‘reinforcing’ items we can use them to shape behaviour. While giving a new toy to a toddler who used the potty for the first time may be appropriate, generally we don’t want to be handing out new toys every day and this is when a ‘reward’ chart comes in handy. If you don’t know what I mean by reward chart, then just Google it and you’ll find some that you can print out and use. Basically when your child is doing something you want, you give them a sticker or check mark (stay tuned for my blog on how to use reinforcement called Stay Positive). For younger or developmentally delayed children you want to give them enough that they will earn something within a short period of time like a morning or a day. For older children you can spread it out over a week (if the child can deal with delayed gratification).
In case you are struggling with ideas of what motivates your child, especially inexpensive ones, here is a list:
- Public library
- video game time
- family game night
- movie night
- trip to the mall or dollar store
- bike ride
- baking or cooking time/ favourite meal
- play dough, moon sand, water play or rice bin
- finger painting
- playground, splash pad, picnic lunch
- Part of a collection (train set, stickers, etc.)
- Visit to grandparents
- play date with a friend
Some things to keep in mind:
Have a number of reinforcing items or things to offer so that your child doesn’t get tired of the same reward. Limit the availability and visibility of the reinforcing item by keeping them hidden and under your control. This means that if your child is working on getting stickers on their reward chart so they can play with play dough, then you don’t want them going to Grandma’s and playing play dough all day long or its going to diminish its reinforcing value. Make sure to reinforce your child directly after they have done what you want. This means giving them a check mark, sticker or reward as soon as they use their manners (if that’s what you are working on). I once had a parent who kept a bin of moon sand that her son loved up high in a kitchen cupboard and whenever he remembered to clean up his toys without being asked, she immediately got it out for him to play with and he soon learned to be a tidy boy.
And last but not least, give your child lots of praise at the same time that you reward them so that eventually they learn to be motivated by social means and the tangible rewards can be diminished or taken away.
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