Parenting with Style

When taking a class about family dynamics I learned that there tends to be three main parenting styles, Laissez-Faire, Authoritative and Authoritarian which I see as being on a sliding scale where we all tend to fall at some point during our parenting journey.

Laissez-Faire           <->            Authoritative            <->             Authoritarian

Laissez-Faire is a French word that, loosely translated, means ‘to let be’. Parenting with this style is easy going, less structured and spontaneous. Children are sometimes treated as mini adults and given free reign when it comes to making decisions. Parents that tend to be on the strict side would be considered Authoritarian. These parents are more likely to have lots of structure, stick to routines, demand respect and have a strict hierarchy within the family. In between these two styles is the Authoritative parent. This is the style that most of probably identify with and it’s a balance between the other two. Authoritative parents are consistent with discipline and routines yet they leave room for discussion and spontaneity. Wherever we may fall on this parenting spectrum, we all have unique personalities, family dynamics and past experiences that have made us this way, yet we all tend to want the same thing and that’s to raise children that are happy, healthy and successful.

I think the connotation of “successful” is where some of us get tripped up. What we view as being successful may not be what our husband, parents or our own child sees as successful. I’m finding it very difficult having children in high school that are being pushed to select courses towards their career path. While part of me wants to push them to try harder and be the most they can be, the other half of me wants them to make their own decisions, set realistic goals so they can be successful and experience a well-rounded social life that is so important at that age. To struggle at parenting is normal, I’ve always said that it’s much easier to criticize the parenting of others than our own because we can look at their situation more logically than our own. Our emotions and ego often take over when it comes to our own children that have a direct line to our heart strings.

Parents that sway on the liberal side of parenting may make the mistake of giving in and wanting to be their child’s friend, especially during the teen years. I think that it is okay for this to be your goal when they are adults but right now, they need someone to keep them on the straight and narrow. Sometimes a child needs an adult to be the ‘bad’ guy so that they don’t have to say no to their friends when they’re invited to a party they’re uncomfortable going to. They also need to go through a stage of development where they discover who they are apart from their parents. The parent that is dressing like them, listening to teen music and hanging out with them is taking away from this ‘rite of passage’ so to speak.

Parents with high expectations and who push their children to excel, whether at school, in sports or other activities, run the risk of their child experiencing burn out and sometimes an inability to deal with failure. While it’s okay and even important to have high expectations for our children (we should be their biggest fans), we must ensure that our children are fulfilling their own needs and not our needs. By providing a variety of opportunities for our children and allowing them to fail in one or two of them before finding their niche we are teaching them to be resilient in addition to taming their ego.

Parenting is a journey, not a science, and sometimes different styles work better depending on the child and the situation, so we need to experiment. If our style is working well, meaning we are comfortable with it, it works with our partner and our children respond to it, albeit begrudgingly at times, then we’ve probably found the parenting style that works best for us.