The Shy Child

I was a painfully shy child so it’s not surprising to me that my own children also were shy. My first day of kindergarten I held in a cough all day because I didn’t want to draw attention to myself! My son had a huge meltdown when I tried to take him to a new craft class and he refused to go. My middle daughter (who is now very outgoing) use to give me the grip of death when I tried to drop her off at kindergarten (God Bless that teacher who was willing to peel her off of me every day) and my third child, also a girl, has also been attached at my hip for most of her young life! I even became a ‘Sparks’ leader when I discovered that was the only way I was going to get her to try out Girl Guides!

While I don’t think shyness is always a bad thing, I do think that it’s something that over time most of us can overcome so that it doesn’t prevent us from being the social butterflies that we desire to be. For my own kids, it was about being comfortable in a new environment. It took some of them longer than others but once they knew that they were going to school every day, whether they liked it or not, they managed and even grew to enjoy it.

Please note that there is a condition called school phobia and I once worked with a young girl that had this condition. It may present as severe shyness, however it usually involves physical symptoms such as stomach aches, headaches, nervous twitching and even nausea. The child may refuse to go to school and if forced, may refuse to speak, eat or interact. They may cry the entire time and not engage in activities. The physical symptoms will often disappear on the weekends. If you suspect that your child may have school phobia then it’s important that you see your family doctor and speak with the school about what supports could be put in place. What may help a student with this disorder is gradual entry to school (a shortened day), having a teaching assistant for reassurance and therapy to help them deal with their anxiety.

Personally, I believe that many of us have a tendency to be shy and that it’s okay. In fact quiet people are often preferred over loud flagrant people when it comes to shy children. My daughter opens up much quicker to people that aren’t ‘in her face’ or trying to force her to talk or engage in an activity. Shy children and adults, don’t like being centered out but often they are 'taking in' everything around them and can be quite perceptive when it comes to the world around them.

Below are some tricks that I’ve used to help my own children overcome their shyness:

      v  Use your child’s strengths and likes to get them involved in activities

v  Expose your child to many different situations, take them with you grocery shopping, to the arena, library, church, etc. so that they can get comfortable in the different environments

v  Talk to your child’s teacher about their shyness so that they are on board at helping them to ‘come out of their shell’ gradually without directly centering them out

v  If a child has to do a presentation in front of the class, don’t allow them to see that you’re worried. Express to them in a nonchalant way that you are confident in their ability to do so and make sure that they practice lots so they are well prepared

v  Often shy children are not so shy at home where they are comfortable, so have them engage in acting out skits and role playing social situations like meeting a new person, so they are better prepared when it happens in the real world

v  Allow your child to wave, smile, give thumbs up, etc. instead of talking when someone greets them in public so that they are still engaging but don’t have to speak if they don’t want to and so that you aren’t always speaking for them

v  Exchange a special item with your child before they go to daycare or school

v  Some children like to have a calendar or daily schedule so they know what to expect that day, while other children may worry too much about an upcoming dentist appointment, etc. so gage whether this would help your child or not

v  Have a grandparent, spouse, etc. take your child to a doctor’s appointment instead of yourself as they often will do better when not with their primary caregiver

v  Try to stick to routines and be at places on time so your child doesn’t become more anxious

v  When leaving your child at daycare, school, etc. do it fairly quickly, a kiss and good-bye and then go! Sticking around to comfort a crying child is just prolonging both of your discomfort. You can always call the daycare or school in 20 minutes to see how they are and most of the time they’ll tell you that the tears stopped as soon as you were out of sight!